I've never been so down in my life. We had the chance to talk about what's the real deal and that we decided to just keep the status quo between us. Nothing else.

On the verge of the happening, I asked a couple of people on how I would deal with this, but I still resorted on telling him what I really feel...which in fact makes me sad and happy at the same time. At least my burden's gone, and it's his turn of the story to fight this battle.

There are still some occasions that I do regret saying all of those things to him, but in fact, I still think that it's better said now than to linger on the blind faith I've had for this past few months.

I am still moving on, so is life. There's nothing different to it as to the other people I met, at least we're still very good friends (or so I hope that this remains) but quoting from what he said from the previous IM exchange:

"putting it all in time is lulling urself to a false sense of security"

Once again I let me be a victim of love. It's sad.

It's about time!

Well, the previous post was kind of dramatic, wasn't it? Haha. Well, life is kind of back to normal...well I guess I'm trying. I am almost quite sure that it's more of a confusion rather than a real feeling, but until now I am still thinking whether I am just convincing myself that it is or is it real.

Aside from mind boggling events, I find myself rearranging my perspective, and I think I might covert to a realist. There's nothing wrong being an idealist but it's just that I often find myself looking for direction in a surreal world which is in fact, doesn't lead me anywhere far from square one.

At least I arrived at finding a diversion of this feeling, which by the way I have disclosed to a real great adviser (and also after viewing this first and real core eps of Queer as Folk) I just realized that I am once again headed to one of those surreal worlds that the idealistic me produced. There's nothing more to it than friendship, and I have to accept it. Being as a friend, I will help him find happiness in whatever choice he'd make.

There are things that are better left unsaid

I must admit that i must be really gullible in terms of being too honest, and having that complusive nature to blurt out feelings irregardless of the outcome.

Now, I feel that it is my fault that there is this chance that I would lose a dear friend just because I became honest and true to my feelings, like what Rana said. I should have waited and just forgot of that foolishness.

How did it actually came to that? Well, thinking waay before (around training days) i avoided to get closer to him since I was starting to feel that it was too weird that we're like parallel with all the things we both like, etc. We got along well, but after training we got dispatched to different teams and a year after, both of us ended up at ABAY (which was like a rehab for bad performing agents) we got closer, and at that time i learned that he's got some gender issues.

He got interviewed first of the Quality Assurance Analyst position for a new account, then he recommended me to the soon-to-be QA sup (who's going to handle us), so both of us got promoted and yes, we got closer to the extent that everyday (well, whenever we have the same shift) we hangout, eat, smoke, play guitar freaks, do some shopping, etc.

Then a week before he went to Bacolod i pursuaded him to go get a new polo for wardrobe's sake. I saw this really nice, black, longsleeved polo and asked him to try it on. It was a perfect fit. Then suddenly it occured to me, like it popped out of nowhere that I'm actually liking this guy already...

Also, he told me of this vivid dream of his with another guy, so there was a followup question i asked which was the path to the chain of thought from the dream which was "Did you ever did it with a guy?" Well, of course he will be hesitant of actually answering the question, but still he did. I was expecting to feel weird or something, well I did, but it was something positive out of it. I saw him through and that made me like him more.

Recently, Rana gave way to actually admitting this feeling to him and yes, as I've said, being gullible and such, I ended up telling him what I really felt about him, which by the way, as silly as it may seem...I am starting to feel that it is more than "liking" that person.

I don't really think I'm being pathetic on falling in love with him, with what he's done in the past, or what he is. He's nice, kind, gentlemanish and he's really easy to love. He's become one of my bestfriends, which by the way, I don't have that much friends in this lifetime because i've got issues socializing ever since...it's just that there's this thin line that binds us together as friends to being acquaintances or worse, strangers. And it's all my fault. Everytime i think of this it makes me cry every single time.

So maybe the previous post would be the answer to this, at least we get to talk but not that often, and maybe i'll also stop causing him confusion and I'll stop hurting.

This day has been a minor disaster. It seems that it's obvious that my mind is drifting and that i unknowingly used an outdated distribution list for sending out the evaluation forms i made, good thing though i sent it only twice...

ain't really my fault. I had to refresh the profile on this pc but nobody knows that, do they? haha!

well whatever... i think the best way to go about life is to just do well and be careful. i wasn't really careful ever since... i don't know if im lazy to actually look into those things but what the hell. I'm not going to stay here for a long time anyway.

I have decided to resign on December, then apply on January.

comfortably numb

Today's our off, so off to two days of movie marathons, slacking off and sleeping.

I just thought that maybe i'm taking things too seriously...life is really complicated and the only thing to do about it is to apply Carpe Diem to be happy and jolly everyday.

Yeah maybe it's with something I ate for breakfast. Planning to get rid of mounted clothes and dust bunnies at home, what else? Hmm...

it's already 11:55 am here and im here at the office. Just finished a whole week's labor and we (Liz & I) are waiting for Miko the MC to hang around Megamall and maybe play guitar freaks.

inner conflicts

Plainly i've been observing myself on why i am not sociable. Maybe because i perceive myself as an antisocial, and people see that; even to my "friends" i feel lost. Maybe it's just that i haven't succumbed and accepted some people as friends.. and why am i making a great deal out of it?

Recently I have seen revelations of my own personality and I really can't find any meaning, or because of numerous times when I try to hide the real me or make me be the person people want me to be, I lost my uniqueness. Maybe i don't have a personality at all.

I have no idea who this person is. There are times in which i find myself wanting greater things and doubt it afterwards... so for the previous months that i kept on thinking that maybe i am truly a walking contradiction. At times i surprise myself on how my ego reacts on it's own (without undergoing any processes) and it changes ever so quickly.

If i'd take this too seriously i know i'm going to lose my mind. Maybe I just need take a break, and meditate.

It's been a hectic week, well it's not like there's not a hectic week. Anyway, i'm still stuck here at work, monitoring calls to hit my quota (as usual) and since from 31 audits per day they decided to torture me further and raise the count to 35. How generous.

Yeah im being sarcastic. Who's not sarcastic nowadays?

That stupid problem last week was settled. it was just a nuissance. It's just one big hell of a joke. As for my team mate, well, I just discovered a new close friend here at work which makes my job a lot easier.

What i've been up to: Let me see...been downloading mp3's listed under the greatest guitar solos. I'm into rock classics and discovered that Eddie Van Halen's eruption introd is really the best, but nobody can beat Petrucci's Flight of the Bumblebee.

the weirdest thing

I never get to update this blog regularly. Anyway, just for this past few days i have been thinking of things both important and somethings i-can-live-my-life-without.

Important stuff: Work - Recently i never had been late, just been absent for having migraine and been steady with quota hitting.

idleness

work is getting tiresome. i don't know if i've told u that i've been transferred to another account and been to training for two weeks, got sick and now i'm monitor 36 calls per day.

well, monitor itself is not that bad, but the mere fact that I have multiple applications that i needed to fill out every time that i finish up listening to a call and send an email to many people.

and then by the end of the day i just sit and wait for things to happen... im not tired of the routine, but analyzing my life right now... well, it's boring. i don't have much of a diversion than a trip or two to guitar freaks at timezone, go home, sleep, wake up, prepare for work and go to the office.

everyday i struggle and get depressed on the fact that i am living my dream, and that is to live art and life to the fullest. i am losing my talent for art and aging ever so quickly. i'm becoming boring and stiff and money conscious.

I have to admit that im a walking contradiction. I dislike something and later admit that I detested the previous statement and end up being confused.

That's how I am, in love and flirtation.

So this great friend i have, agreed to change our fate and not let anyone walk all over us and be certain that people, especially the ones we like, will come crawling at us and beg our attention. It was once an idea from a parallel universe, but not anymore. I somewhat feel at ease and truly feel that I would make it happen. We'll be our own cheerleaders and support groups to reach our goal: to be drop dead gorgeous!

it's silly, right? but it's how the world works. beauty is power.

of course i won't lose my head on this one, knowing that i'd be categorized under B for bimbo's here at the office. I'll just use my charm and let it happen.

We'll see. :)

boring stuff

For the past days i find myself spending almost thirteen hours in the office, auditing calls, and for the first time in history I felt my authority over the other agents: I filed a ground for termination for call avoidance. oops...

so day-in day-out the routine is:
12:00p - 7:30p Sleep
7:30p to 8:15p - Wake up, take a bath
8:15p to 8:45p - Travelling time
8:45p to 10:30p - Huddle with the Boss, do initial paperwork
10:30p - Quick break
11:00p to 1:30a - Audit calls
1:30a to 2:00a - Coaching agents, then break
2:00a to 4:00a - Audit calls
4:00a to 6:00a - Coaching agents, break
6:00a to 7:00a - Lunch with the Boss, light a menth
7:00a to 8:00a - Compiling documents
8:00a to 9:30a - Post shift huddle with of course, the Boss and the Big Boss
9:30a to 10:15a - Going home
10:15a to 12:00p - "Me" time
12:00p - Sleep

Of course to make life more exciting, while auditing calls we record the calls, document it, do online coaching for the agents, observe the queue list for call avoiding agents, IM-ing with the boss for any updates + IM-ing fellow analysts for suggestions. I need to work on my multi-tasking skills.

I know life can't get any more exciting than what it is now. (and im being sarcastic) Not to mention the boss' pressure, stress, the inevitable frostbite from the zero degrees temperature at my station, being nagged by the assistant center manager and of course the lovable buncha agents who makes our work worthwhile: catch 'em do some magic with the system, disconnect calls and mislead the customer.

birthday? hmm...

it's payday today (or was it yesterday?) and currently were doing our job finally, listening to calls. later we'll be presenting our homemade call flow chart and we already had the approval from the client. (and were very pleased!)

stuff: time is really becoming difficult to cope up with. I don't have time to melt my console, play online games and even do chores. all i do basically is to go home, wash up, change clothes, sleep, wake up, eat, talk a little (with sibs) and go to work. it's a joy to go to work especially once the stations have been established, but as of now it's getting boring... or maybe i am just sleepy...

I find this day to be tremendously tiring. The only thing that kept me awake is my jukebox, and also this particular thing I am looking forward to, but not really. It is really complicated.

I thought I am already liking my new occupation, and today was a start of acting up the promotion we had last week. For the whole entire week we were looking at SIP's and SDP's and MORE debug call codes, and i was thankful that for even a single day i took a day off (even if it is kind of illegal, since i had menstrual cramps yesterday) and the fact that the spiel "Thank you for choosing Dell home sales and financing..." script is no longer my problem. Good thing.

I do like this job better than the past one, but there are just some drawbacks that makes me think otherwise. Like staying for over 9 hours in the office. That sucks. Another is meeting the old people in the Dell account (and expecting me to be friendly? Hello?) like i was never friendly!

Oh, and one more thing. I like the compensation.

life can be so annoying at times. once you get an aspiration, the next thing you'll know while chasing that it'd just disappear. i hope you get my drift.

today: absent, as usual for the same f-ing cause. menstrual cramps.

recently: checked out the "station" that's going to be assigned to me for as long as i have the job, and if the company is not relocating QA analysts from one office to another. i am certainly liking this job, except for the fact that we have to get close within the team to build camaraderie. yeah right.

all that romance: sucks. my birthday is three blocks away, and maybe i am looking for a date. who knows who i'd end up with? a man named David or an old crush. like i have that much of a choice.

im learning to once again step out of my safe zone. i don't like this, it makes me so uncomfortable. help.

weird series of events. last week i went to the office late, since i am no longer happy with this occupation. and then i changed my mind. when i arrived one of the QA analysts approached me and asked me if i were interested in being a QA as well, since i was also scheduled for an interview for supervisory position in another account, i got confused but listed the Con's and Pro's and decided to go with it. (and since my friend Devan was also gonna be under the same team, well why not?)

then later in the afternoon after a chain of interviews, i finally got in.

and now im suffering from it (the damn training kills all my brain cells!)

today was a normal day. i went to the office without having a wink of sleep, i headed out to the ground floor's starbucks to get a wake-me-upper type of drink. i said to the barista can u fix me a drink that could make me awake for 9 hours or more? and they recommended the americano, but i wanna go italian. so went macchiato instead, with quad shots of espresso. it worked!

well, now as i type i just got my center manager sign this bid form to get me to better position for another account. i hope it's good bye for Dell and hello Verizon (same company though). My retroactive discrepancy papiers for working here (and they haven't adjusted my rate yet) is still lost in the wires. i don't know, maybe it became a tinapa wrapper somewhere.

my so-called past is beckoning, and i hate it. everything: my plot against this expat who seems near yet far (too cliche-ish) and this nightmare i can't seem to get out of my system.

im currently waiting for this other expat to sign this form for job bid to get out of this limbo we call work routine. and he's playing tricks on us, and i hate it when people push their importance to the extent that they'll use that to make us look silly.

here goes yet another burnout.

haven't had the chance to update for the past months, which is really pathetic. I just thought that my life is too dull to put on writing anyway.

let's see. anything remarkable for the year?

January : Doing the same routine, payday is not as rewarding as it was. I never got enough energy to go through a working day to drag meself to work, talk, talk and talk for almost 6 ++ hours (since i am already in the eve shift, we always get to go home earlier and still get paid) and then

February: On the end of January my century year old grandad died of old age (as the death cert says: pneumonia and severe malnutrition) i know he's happy with my grandma and my other relatives, and i am also pretty sure that he is in heaven. too bad though, i just got to know more about him after he passed away. he did a lot of noble things, and even at the point of death he still managed to be dignified enough to spend the money he saved by selling fish in wee hours of morning, and gave my father the money to go back here in manila. how i wish my dad was like him.

aside from the painstaking pursuasion to work, and knowing that this is a no brainer job, my stats at work starts to go down the drain. i feel that i am being a liablity (as my friend said when he was experiencing the 'almost' same fate as i am, though in his case it was temporary, in my case i think i am beginning to lose touch.

also i miss the feeling of school. all the pressure; creativity streaks; getting my fingers dirty and stuck together with super glue; last minute projects and race against time stuff. and not to forget the crowd. ooh i miss being with my blokes.

I then realize. I am sick and tired of this.